South Trek Voyager
by Anna Yolei
Summary: Voyager done South Park style!! This is the first fanfic I ever wrote, so please R&R!!!!!!


South Trek Voyager!

 A Rockin' parody of what Star Trek would be like South Park style! I decided to condense the whole thing, but it is otherwise unchanged. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or South Park, you know the rest.

 (Scene: Bridge)

 Paris: Aww, geez, nothing good's happened weeks!

Kim:(who is wearing an orange hood) Mmmmmnnn! Mnnnhhh!

Paris: Being thown in the Delta quadrent doesn't count, dumbass!

Chakotay: You're both dumbasses so shut the hell up!

(Janeway appears on the bridge with a liter of  coffee)

Janeway:(Who is hyper) HI EVERYONE!(Chakotay stands up and tha captain runs and jumps on him) Hello, big boy. Let's get it on!

Kim: Mmmmmm!

Chakotay: Shut up!

Janeway: Aww, you're no fun.(Pushes herself off Chakotay) All right, have we found anything good, like aliens we can shoot or odd anomalies?

Paris: We? _You_ didn't find anything! _I_ found an M-class-

Janeway: Don't get smart with me, cocksucker!

Tuvok: That would be most illogical, Captain, since it would be an inefficient use of time.

Janeway: Go f**k your logic!

Tuvok: God, you're dumb! I can't f**k logic! It's not even-

All: Shut up!

(Neelix and Kes appear on the bridge with snacks)

Kes: Hi people!

Kim:Mmmmmm Mmmhhhhh?

Paris:Yeah, I see her jugs

Neelix: (Turns green) Are you lookin' at my woman!?

Paris:(Stands up next to Neelix) Yeah,I am!

Torres:(over the comm)Hey there, wanna do the nasty?

Paris: Not to you I don't.

Torres:You gay pu'taK!

Neelix:C'mon, let's fight!

Paris:Fine by me, buttf**ker(Thr two of them start pommeling each other while Kes passes out the snacks. They all take out a bite before spitting them out)

Chakotay: What the hell is this sh*t?!

Kes: It's leola root cookies.Aren't they great?

Tuvok: No, b!tch!

Kes: Don't you talk to me that way or my boyfriend will beat you up!

Tuvok: The way the little sh*t is beating up Pilot Boy over there? Oooooh, I'm scared!

(Neelix lays lifeless on the floor)

Neelix;GAK!

Kes:Oh, sweetums-

Janeway:Damnit, I want some real food!(Knocks the platter on the floor)

Chakotay:Yeeeah! I want Cheesy Poofs!

Tuvok:And some Happy Tarts!

Kes:Okay, but I'll need some help.

Kim:MMMMMMMM! MMMMMM!

Kes:All right , all right you can come wiht me.(The two of them leave the bridge)

Janeway:Now that's out the way.

Paris:OH! There's the  M-class planet I was telling you about .

Janeway:It's about damn time.

Tuvok;Scans show a pub with real alchohol-not that synthesol sh*t we replicateon the show!

Paris:Dude, kick ass!

Chakotay;Okay men, time for shore leave!

(All cheer)

Janeway:The f*ck it is, Woody! You sit around and don't do sh*t and expect a vacation?

Chakotay:Umm....Pretty much.

Paris:Screw you!

Janeway:*gasp*WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY TO ME?!

Tuvok:I believed he just said "Screw you."

Janeway:I HEARD HIM BUTTF*CKER!!!

(Chakotay gets up to leave the bridge)

Janeway:Where the hell are you going?

Chakotay: To the planet.

Janeway: Respect my authori-tay!

Tuvok:(Scoffs) Why? You got us stuck out here! And if I don't get my shore leave, I tell you have the hots for a certain someone in this room.

Janeway:FINE! TAKE YOU F*CKIN' SHORE LEAVE, ALL OF YOU!!

****                                                  

(A shot of  a shuttlepod in space as the theme plays a few bars of the opening theme)

Paris: Captain,PLEASE TURN THAT SH*T OFF!!!

Janeway:F*ck off! I was about to anyway, gee!(Presses a button and the music ends suddenly)

Chakotay: Anyone know any drinking songs?

Tuvok:I do, I do!*Ahem* Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall-

Chakotay and Paris:(Joining in) Ninety-nine bottles of beer!

Janeway: You aren't drinking f*ck sh*t, Tom! You gotta fly us back!

Paris: I ain't listening to you ya ugly hag!

Janeway:WHAT??!!

Paris:Oh, I'm sooooo sorry-I meant to say "Ya Ugly bee-otch!

Janeway: At least I don't hump holographic characters up the ass!

Chakotay:Damnit! Kathryn, did you have to say that? I have mental pictures now!

Tuvok: Since when do you call Janeway by her first name?

Chakotay:I don't have to answer that, ya unclef*ckin' bastard.

Tuvok: The hell? I can't f*ck my uncle you perv!

All:IT'S AN EXPRESSION,DUMBASS!!!

Paris:Yipee! The planet is near!

Tuvok:Three cheers for the booze!

(Meanwhile back on Voyager,Kes and Harry have returned to the bridge to find it empty)

Kes:Aww, geez! All that work and no one here to eat!

Kim:Hmmmmm! Mmmmmmhhhhn!

Kes:That's a great idea!(Take seats on the commaning officers' chairs and begin spinning around on them)WHEEEEEEEE!

(Torres appears on the bridge)

Torres: Umm...Where the hell is everyone?

Kes: I don't know either.

Nameless ensign: They all went on shore leave.

Torres:Super sweet!Let's go!(Kes and Kim cheer)

Ensign: Wait a minute! who's flying the ship?

Kes: You,f*ckface. Now let's get the Doctor and blow this joint!

(Shot of another shuttle in space)

Doctor:(singing)Fiiiiiiggaarooo! Figaro, Figaro, Figaro-

All:Shut the hell up!!

Kes:Oh no! Neelix is still criying out in pain on the bridge!

Doc:Should we go back?

Kes:No. I only wished he would have shut up.

(The first shuttle has landed on the planet by the bar. The Senior officers walk in as an odd ailen song is playing a jazzy beat.Paris starts dancing by himself all odd as the others give him dirty looks)

Paris:Hot digety! Dig that tune!

(All roll their eyes)

Tuvok:Dude...You are such a queer! No one's said that since the 1950's!

Chakokay:Yeah, queer!

Janeway:Just wait till I tell everyone what a queer you are, queer!

Paris:All of you shut up!

Tuvok:You're not the boss of us! We all rank higher than you.

Paris:Oh...Hey look! It's the bar!

(All cheer madly and run to pull out chairs.A waitress, played by Jolene Blalock, comes by)

Waitress:What'll it be?

Tuvok: The hardest liquior you've got!

Chakotay: Yeah, make it fast!

(as the waitress leaves, Paris slaps her butt)

Janeway: You chauvinst son of a b*tch!

Paris:Don't be jealous, your ass is as better looking than hers.(He tries to smack it, but Chakotay knocks him down) What th-?

Chakotay:Get offa my woman!

Paris:_Your_ woman!? You wish!

Janeway:Yeah!

Tuvok:Oh, shut up Janeway, you know you have the hots for him.

Janeway:I DON'T HAVE THE HOTS FOR ANYONE ON THIS CRAPPY SHIP!!!!

Tuvok:Of course you do! Hee hee, mind melds are a beautiful thing-

Janeway:I have never done a mind meld with you!

Tuvok:Not knowingly! I know your dreams-the ones about doing the nasty with Wood-boy over here!

Chakotay:Whoo-hoo!

(The waitress come back with four drinks)

Paris:Bottoms up!(They all chug down their cup of beer in less than two minutes.)

(Five minutes later)

Kes:Well, there they are!

Torres:A pub, huh? With real alcohol? Wow, I Like the delta quadrent!

Kim:Mmmmm,Mmmm!

Doc:Yeah, let's go inside already!

(In the bar..)

Torres:Holy sh*t! look at all that beer!

Doctor:You've brought me to a BAR?! I can't drink anything, damnit!

Torres:Excately, you'll need to help uswhenwe get wasted!

Kes:What is beer?

Kim:Mmmmmm Mmmmnnn!

Torres:Yeah, I'll show you too!(They walk over to a table on the other side of the room, passing the Senoir Officers on their way,who are very drunk now)

Janeway:...And I tell the jackass,"That's not a collie, that's my hair!"(All laugh)

Waitress:You know, you tab is getting really high!

Tuvok:F*ck you,b!tch! Just keep the drinks coming!(Waitress leaves)

Paris:Wow,it's B'Elanna and Kes, Tuvok! Let's get some-you get the Klingon!

Tuvok:,You'll f*ck yourself before you get Kes!

(They argue over who gets Kes as they walk away)

Janeway:(Who is not thinking straight) Hey there,wanna do me?

Chakotay:Umm...sure! Score me!(The two run to the nearest bathroom)

Tuvok:Hi, ladies!

Paris:Don't you think we're sexy guys?

Torres:No!

Paris:Wanna do me?

Torres: Oh, now, when you're a drunk jackass!

(Kes grabs a bottle of wine on the table and gulps it down really fast.)

Kes:Oh, Harry, you're such a turn on!

Doctor:(Picks up the empty bottle)No wonder.

Kes:Kiss me you hunk!

Kim:(Finally pulls off the hood) 'Kay. (The two of them start to make out. Paris and Torres grab a bottle of beer and gulp it down to get rid of that image. Tuvok runs to the bathroom and throw up in an empty stall)

Tuvok:Bleech! ( He then hears specking on the other side of the stall)

Janeway: Oh, wow, that was great! Let's hump again!

Chakotay:Aww, but it's already tired.

Janeway:F*ck me!

Chakotay:No!

Janeway:Now!

Chakotay:fine!(the two start at it as Tuvok listens unwillingly. He starts throwing up again)

(Meanwhile, out in the bar..)

Waitress: (To Paris)All right, you gotta pay up!

Paris: I'm not done!

Waitress:sorry, there is a limit.

Torres:I just got here!

Waitress:too bad.

Torres: Gimme by boose, ya skanky crackwhore!

Waitress:Or what?

Torres:I'll kick you ass!

Waitress:Bring it on b*tch! (The two of them start beating the crap out of each other. Kim and Kes stop making out to watch)

Kim: Chick fight!(Everyone in the bar runs to see the fight. Janeway,Chakotay and Tuvok,who need to meditate long and hard after what he saw, come out the bathroom)

Paris:RIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOT!(Takes a wine bottle and smashes it on the table. Other aliens go crazy.One pulls out a laser gun and shoots it up at the celing.It bounces down on Harry Kim's head and he falls dead on the floor)

Kes: Oh, my God! They killed Harry!

Doctor: Those bastards!(Tries to revive Harry)

Janeway: Leave the little f*cker!

Chakotay: Yeah,he sucks big ole cock! (Rats come carry off Harry and no one gives a care)

Torres:Aaaaah! My hair!

Waitress: Don't call me a whore!

Random people: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Janeway: The hell? B'Elanna,use your phaser to finish her off! That's an order!

(Zoom!)

Tuvok: Now since that's over, let's go home! I need to medtate, damnit!

Janeway: Oh, Chakotay! Let's go make love in a better place!

Paris: I hope it's the bedroom.

Chakotay:(Ignoring Paris) The ready room it is!(The two of them run to the first shuttle pod)

Doctor: I guess will have to take one shuttle pod.(They all walk out of the pub. Kes looks over at the occupied shuttle and sees it moving)

Kes:Look, folks! That 'pod's moving up itself

Tuvok:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!(Uses the neck pinch on him self)

Torres:Damn! Now I have mental scars!

Captan's log, stardate 456..um,who the hell cares? F*cking shit! I have such a headache, and don't remember a damn thing from yesterday. I also dreamed I f*cked a Marquis. Good thing it's just a dream.

First Officer's log: I think Janeway and I got in on and shut all those f*cking J/Cer's up!

(Scene: The bridge)

Neelix:(who is still on the floor) *whimper* (Paris kicks him and Neelix dies)

Paris: (Grinning) Did you sleep well, Captain?

Janeway: Um...Yeah. Except I had a dream I humped Chakotay.

Chakotay: I had a dream I humped you too!

(They look at each other in shock)

Paris:I say you have the hots for each other!

Tuvok: Wanna make love all night long!

Janeway and Chakotay: Drive the cocksuckin' ship!!!!

(The ship takes off at warp speed)

(A sign goes up that says "Fin")

Tuvok: You know you want him!

Janeway: Goddamnit, Tuvok! The story's over! Get off it!!

THE END (For real this time)

I need to know-did you like this ending? R&R, please-this was my first fanfic!


End file.
